All the Feelings.

I spent so much of my life worrying about other people’s feelings. I was really sensitive to comments by others and how they perceived me. I would get upset very easily, people said I wore my heart on my sleeve. Anxiety was common place for me in school and as I got older became visible in the workplace too.

After several failed marriages, and a few abandoned careers, my first major depressive episode came in my early 40’s and was probably the scariest time of my life. I had absolutely no idea what the hell was wrong with me! Why couldn’t I get out of bed or shower? Why would I lock the door, shut all the curtains, and pray nobody came to find me? I would freeze with fear when my phone rang. I would sleep all day and think about death. Was I going insane? What was happening to me? The boss I had at the time was super high strung and very high maintenance. She had me on edge all day every day. Have you seen that commercial for the Nyquil sleep aid where the boss was saying, whatever you pick it will be wrong?

That is what I felt, all the time. It made pulling myself up from that abyss seem impossible. I struggled to get out of bed every day, and I felt so hopeless. I finally got the nerve to quit that job and found a new one. A really good one. But no matter what I tried, I would inevitably fall back down. After fear of losing yet another job, I talked to my doctor and started on anxiety / depression medication. It was a roller coaster, though, because I was fighting it. I did not think I needed medication. I thought I was just being weak-minded and that I was stronger than the ‘feelings’. But things only got worse.

I started to notice that when others around me would be stressed, angry, or unhappy, that it would consume me. For example, if a coworker was on the phone with a client that frustrated them, I could feel their irritation coming off in waves that washed over me and suddenly I would feel irritated and frustrated too. After a lot of research, I discovered part of my issue.

Empathy is the ability to sense other people’s emotions and to imagine what they are feeling. An empath is someone who is highly sensitive and tends to absorb the emotional and physical energy of other people into their own bodies. They become exhausted, anxious, and burned out from sensory overload.

I'm an empath.

Such is the life of an empath, walking around carrying emotions that don’t belong to me? If somebody is mad at me, I feel it on them before they tell me. My heart for other people is bigger than for myself. Being an empath takes energy… energy that is in short supply. What now? Meditation. Ah, yes, mediation. Meditation is a great tool for empaths and it takes only a few minutes. It can help you feel centered and is great for taking back your power when you start to feel sensory overload. However, it did not completely solve my depression or anxiety.

When I had an episode that resembled a heart attack landing me in the ER on Thanksgiving this past year, my doctor referred me to a psychiatrist. She was amazing. I was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder.

What is Bipolar disorder and what does that mean for me?

Bipolar disorder is a mental disorder that causes unusual shifts in mood, energy, activity levels, concentration, and the ability to carry out day-to-day tasks. I recently found out that it used to be called manic-depressive illness or manic depression. This means not only do I feel my own highs and lows, I feel the highs and lows of everyone around me. Treatment is lifelong and involves a combination of therapy, consistent self care and meds aimed at regulating mood fluctuations.

I am a Bipolar Empath. What does self care look like for me?

• Taking my medication!

• Talking to my Therapist!

• Meditation! (Check out my Spotify Guided Meditation playlist on the music tab).

• Expressing myself through my blog.

• Limiting my time in crowded, noisy environments.

• Walking away from stressful situations when I need to.

• Recognizing my triggers and avoiding them.

• Distracting myself when I start conjuring up negativity and worry.

• Asking for help when I need it!

Well, that last one is still a work in progress.

I hope by writing this blog and putting myself out there, that I can help lift the stigma associated with mental health and encourage at least one person to not give up. See your doctor, talk to your therapist, meditate and if you feel suicidal, please know there are people here to help.

Help is available.

Speak with a counselor today.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

1-800-273-8255